I love the energy behind this movement! WSB has become a decentralized hedge fund the likes of which the investment world has never seen before!
But all of you new guys arriving here over the past few days need to understand something:
I walk into a casino, sit a slot machine, pull the handle and hit a jackpot. I tell you to try it, so you pull the handle and hit a smaller jackpot! It seems that this particular machine is paying out! Now there are a crowd of people all taking turns, pulling the handle and getting paid!
The casino manager sees this, he closes down the casino to investigate.
Upon reopening the casino, the slot machine is no longer paying, but people are still trying.
All of us here, all of wsb and reddit are just the customers in the casino. Even our combined buying power is just a drop in the ocean compared to the leverage that institutions can access.
The GME story caught them off guard, it was a unique situation that is not easily repeatable.
Now that the hedge funds have had time to analyze and understand the situation, the algos have been adjusted and with every passing day the odds of the little guy winning here are dropping dramatically!
u/diamondhandthotslyr posting 💎GME💎🤲🏻💎🚀🚀💎🚀🦍🦍🚀 and getting +1000 upvotes may feel all warm at fuzzy at the moment, but it is not sound advice!!!
No amount of diamond hand emojis change the actual fact that more retail were selling than buying last week: https://i.imgur.com/rz8I3Vt.png
(source: https://www.bloomberg.com./opinion/articles/2021-01-29/reddit-traders-on-robinhood-are-on-both-sides-of-gamestop )
Short squeezes can, and do end as fast as they begin. Go look at the NOK chart to understand.
You new guys, do not feel as if you are going to miss out if you don't buy GME! There will always be more opportunities, be patient, take time to watch and learn!

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Ayrton Senna Personal Talk: Message for the Future

Warning: just general ED stuff, nothing in particular
So, my mom died this past August from breast/pancreatic/liver cancer. My relationship with her was very distant, very strained, I loved her but she was gone most of my life. When she was around she had bipolaschizo-affective/depression mental health problems that weren't treated.
She was obese my whole life, would put down an entire cheese danish in one sitting or finish a pack of donuts in a day, went on rants how the government was poisoning us with chemicals in our food while pulling into a mcdonald's drive through to order a large big Mac meal. She drank cases of starbucks doubleshot energy drinks, not only when she was a truck driver but also after her heart attack and having to quit her job to be on SS/disability. She was also a gambling addict, spent all her free time in casinos, playing the lottery, staring at her laptop on online slots games.
She kept passing out in public, getting sent to the ER being blown off as being dehydrated, not even being put in a room because of COVID hitting the area hard she was in. Come to find out, she was in stage 3 cancer all along. She died alone in the hospital, nobody could come and see her in her last days. I think her body just gave up, so weary from the damage she did to it her whole life, a horrible diet, sedentary lifestyle, stress, smoking since the age of 7.
My ED intensified right after her death. Something in my brain is convincing me if I stay thin, eat as clean and as little as possible, exercise enough, I can avoid dying like her. I can avoid BEING like her. She was a miserable person to be around, always negative and suspicious of anything going on around her. She didn't make any effort to look good EVER my whole life. It really stunted my "feminine" side never having a female figure that could teach me how to dress, do my hair or make-up, give me stories about how to handle relationships.
Now turning 28 in a week, I have to do everything possible to be the opposite of her or else I will become her. I have 3 kids, and don't know how to be a good loving, supportive mom while also running from my troubled past with my own. I don't want them to end up like me, or see me like I did her.

I had turned 21, on June 21, 2016, and my Grandmother took me to Atlantic City where she went on her honeymoon before the casino’s were established. Unfortunately, my grandfather had passed away in 1999 and at least my Grandmother has me to go places with her.
We stayed at the Trump Taj Mahal and I just loved the bright lights and the sounds of the slot machines. My Grandmother and I decided to play the penny slots with just one penny at a time. We were definitely not their target customers.
My Grandmother carried around a big purse where she had loads of snacks stuffed inside. Between the free drinks and my Grandmother’s snacks there was really no reason to get up besides to go to the bathroom.
Every time I would get up my Grandmother would save my seat at the slot machine. My Grandmother was raised during he depression and she developed some unique habits, like if someone had only eaten half of their hotdog and left it on the side of the garbage then she would just finish eating it. I just thought it was funny and she probably had developed an immunity to every imaginable germ.
Watching my Grandmother, I followed suit and did the same thing by finishing other people’s meals.
I was 21 and had no real responsibilities. I came from a dysfunctional home where my parents were at times functioning alcoholics and other times they weren’t really functional at all.
Unfortunately, I had the same addictive personality like my parents as does my Grandmother and the slot machines were like candy to our brains.
Neither my Grandmother nor I had cell phones so we had no one to bother us. We just had such a good time playing the slots and joking around with each other. There was no real concept of time inside the Taj Mahal. 2:00 am looked the same inside the casino as 2:00 pm.
We just played and played and played. We both seemed to drift off at times and close our eyes for a short time then we wake up and continue to play.
I would lose a penny then win three pennies then lose five pennies then win seven pennies. The thrill of winning mixed with the bright lights and catchy sounds sent a jolt of happiness through my brain.
My grandmother and I were definitely poster child’s for the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. We just both had addictive personalities. I remember reading about radio contests to see who can stay up the longest where days of sleep deprivation led to permanent mental health issues for the contestants.
I knew things were getting bad when multiple cocktail waitresses would say “hey your back again” or “you were in the same spot as last week.”
I was hanging on by a thread. I knew if I got away from the stimulus of the machines then my mind and body would just collapse. I had complete tunnel vision everything besides my Grandmother was completely filtered out.
The casino manager actually approached my Grandmother and I to give us a friendly warning that it was time to leave. I almost collapsed when he told us that it had been three weeks straight that we were playing the same slot machines. I think we caused red flags in their computers because neither of the slot machines we using were generating any money for the hotel.
I think we were scared to move for fear that we would both collapse. The casino made an exception and brought us both coffees.
After drinking the coffees my Grandmother and I agreed to get up and go to the bathroom then leave. When I got into the bathroom I knew that I had pushed my mind and body way to far from days if not weeks of sleep deprivation. I was concerned for my grandmother but I truly had nothing left in me, so I went in one of the bathroom stall’s locked the door and sat down on the toilet where I instantaneously passed out.
I had such deep dreams that I never had before. I was in my own dreamworld. Nothing could wake me up but time.
Then, like a bear knows hibernation is over, I felt a sensation in my head that it was time to get up. I opened my eyes and there’s nothing but absolute darkness. A darkness that I haven’t experienced since I was deep in an underground cave when I was on a tenth grade field trip.
I thought that I had gone blind because there was nothing but darkness. My head was just so exhausted. I feel like I could close my eyes and sleep more, but my adrenaline was starting to kick in.
I’m still feeling a bit woozy and I say “where am I?” I was still trying to remember all the weird dreams I had on top of trying to figure out where I am in this complete darkness. I’m in a sitting position so I try to stand up, but my legs are numb, so I sit back down.
I then try to recall where I am and I say “am I sitting in a toilet in the casino?” I think to myself this can’t be. Did the lights in the bathroom break? Why hasn’t anyone else come in?
I yell out “Hello ... Hello. The lights in the bathroom are out. Grandma! Can you hear me?”
I’m met with deafening silence. I reach my arms out and feel metal walls on both sides of me so I know for sure that I’m in a bathroom stall.
I figure I sat for to long and I must of put to much pressure on my nerves so that’s why my legs are numb. I decide to throw myself on the floor. I lean forward and I could feel the door of the stall in front of me. I use the door to brace myself to the floor.
I continually say “ooh awe ooh” until I hurl myself on the floor. My legs are still to weak to move so I drag myself with my arms and reach up to unlock the door to the stall.
I get out of the stall and I get a sensation of extreme hunger and thirst. I now focus on finding the sinks. I use my arms to drag my body on the bathroom floor. I can’t remember where the sinks were located so I just continually move around on the floor. The fear of the absolute darkness outweighs the disgustingness of the bathroom floor. Eventually I start to feel metal pipes and I realize that I’m under a sink. I’m starting to get a little sensation back in my legs so with one hand I reach up for the sink and I reach out with my other hand and thrust myself upwards until I’m on my knees. I yell out a loud groaning sound and I awkwardly stand up. My legs are shaky and weak but at least I can feel them. I give myself a minute to allow my legs to get reacclimated and allow circulation to go through them.
I reach out and feel metal and I push in and realize that it’s one of those faucets that you push in to get water in order to get water to come out. I use one hand as a cup and I lean forward and continually drink water from my hand until I’m satisfied.
I start to feel that my legs have some strength so I take small steps while I hold onto the sink.
I get an overwhelming urgency to urinate so I decide to pee in the sink rather than trying to find the urinal. I unzip my pants and all I could think of if someone opens the door then I would be so embarrassed or possibly arrested. I finish peeing and I pick a direction and I slowly move my legs. I feel around the walls and eventually I feel the frame of a door and I push on it forward.
As the door opens I see nothing and I hear nothing. I’m scared beyond belief. I don’t know if there was a massive power outage or some type of evacuation happened or there was some type of apocalypse.
I yell out “Hello is there anyone else here Hello!” I get no response so I continually to yell out Hello. I vaguely remember the women’s bathroom being next to the men’s bathroom. So I guide myself against the wall until I feel a door. I figure that it must be the women’s bathroom so I open the door.
I yell out “Grandma are you in there ... Grandma are you there?”
I wait a few moments and in a low raspy voice I hear “John, Is that you? Turn the lights on. Where am I?”
I say “Grandma I think we’re still in the casino and I don’t know what’s going on. There’s no power anywhere. It’s just not the bathroom. The casino is completely dark as well.”
My grandmother responded “Casinos never close. Especially the Taj Mahal.”
I respond “I know Grandma. I have no idea what’s going on!”
My grandma responds “How long have we been asleep?”
I respond “I have no idea. I’m guessing days.”
My grandma says “I can’t move my legs.”
I respond “I know I couldn’t move mine either. Give them a few minutes you’ll get your sensation back. Try to move around as you sit down. I’m going to go and try to find out what’s going on!”
My grandmother responds “Ok but come back. Don’t leave me to die.”
I say “I won’t I’ll come back for you.”
I exit the bathroom and yell out “I’ll be back Grandma!” And she responds “You better!”
I try my best to remember as much as I could about the casino and the arrangements of everything. It’s difficult because it’s as dark as an underground cave. There is zero light or at least I hope that’s the problem and I haven’t gone blind. But then I think that my grandmother couldn’t see either. I thought there’s emergency lights that should come on if there’s a power outage, so I really have no idea of what’s going on.
I get a dreamlike memory of dropping money on the floor and remembering a red like carpet then I remember the garbage cans alongside the walkway where people would leave there their uneaten food.
I slowly start to remember that there’s a walkway made up of tiles in the middle of the casino floor that separates two areas of slot machines. So if I make it to the middle area then I probably could walk towards an exit.
I feel the floor and it’s carpet. I slowly start to walk and I feel slot machine after slot machine. I walk slow so I don’t bang my legs into chairs. I’m in a virtual maze and I feel like I’m just going around in circles.
The feeling of overwhelming hunger is starting to consume me as well. My legs have most of their strength back at this point but I’m consumed with hunger and fear.
Navigating around a casino floor is confusing enough with the lights being on and in complete darkness it’s virtually impossible.
I’ve must have been wandering aimlessly for an hour in a virtual circle. I have to come up with a plan. I know my grandmother must be terrified as well.
I have no rope or anything else. Not to say that rope would help me. Then I have an aha moment. I say out loud “The chairs. Use the chairs.” Meaning that the backs of the chairs move to the side when someone gets up from the slot machines. So if I move the back of the chairs to their sides then that’s how I’ll know I’ve been down the row.
I can’t explain why all the chairs are facing forward. If there was a mass exodus then most of the chairs would be facing to their sides.
As I walk each chair I pass I move it to its side. This takes a painstakingly long amount of time but my wandering method didn’t work.
Eventually my method seems to work as I can tell which rows I’ve been down already. Remarkably I feel a divide in carpet from from tile and I say “Thank God!”
I have grainy memories of coming into the casino and seeing staircases and escalators that were opulent but my Grandmother wanted nothing to do with them. But I do remember getting on an elevator and I believe we went to the third floor, so I know that I have to find stairs now.
I know we originally came in through the boardwalk and we didn’t walk that far once we got inside the casino. So now I have to find the stairs and not miss them because the hotel is long and if walk in a direction opposite the boardwalk I am virtually dead because I’ll never find my way back in the pitch dark because the hotel casino is so big and long.
So I slowly walk with my hands out. I walk back and forth and I can tell that the tiled area is about six feet wide.
Eventually I find an area where the tile opens up. My hands reach out to walls and I feel metal elevator doors. Of course their buttons don’t light up. Next to the elevators is a wall that feels like a dead end. So I feel for the elevators again and move past them. I know there must be stairs in the middle of the casino floor.
I want to find the stairs and I don’t want to keep walking down that tile corridor. Also I don’t want to fall down the stairs so once I make it past the elevators I slowly put my foot down to the right and feel more tile so I’m guessing this is more of the corridor.
I backtrack a little bit and I try to move in a horizontal direction to the elevators towards the middle of the casino floor. I inch my way towards the center with my hands out and eventually my right leg hits something and I quickly determine that it is an escalator.
Though I’m consumed by hunger, I know I’m close to getting out of here. I walk down the escalator then I get off and walk down two more sets of escalators.
I figure that I’m on the ground floor and I’m overwhelmed with disappointment that it’s still complete darkness. I have no answer for this. I figure the glass entry doors should emit some form of light even if it’s the moonlight if it’s dark outside.
I know that I have to walk towards the boardwalk and if I move in the wrong direction then I’m better off dead.
I remembered how I walked down the escalators where I went down one way then the next floor I was turned around.
So I figure that I need to walk straight. I force myself to count steps and if I walk more than a hundred then I know I’m going the wrong way. So I slowly move forward with my arms out.
I counted 60 steps and for the first time I can see something other than darkness. I can barely make out a silhouette of a wall, so I move towards the wall.
As I move towards the wall I can’t explain why there’s only a small amount of light getting through. I reach out with my hands and I feel glass. I’m still baffled on why there’s only faint light. Then as I move along the glass I can eventually see A slither of the boardwalk and it’s daytime and people are just casually walking. Then I see that there is wood panels on the outside and the doors are boarded shut.
So I frantically start banging on the glass doors and I can see people look in my direction but they just continue to walk by. I don’t know if there was a hurricane or something to explain why the doors are boarded shut.
So with the little energy I have left I knock and knock and knock. I don’t know if the people think the knocking is from construction or if they just don’t care.
Eventually I fall to the flood put my back to the wall and bang with my elbows against the glass.
The hope that I once had is gone. My body has zero energy and I’m going to die like a trapped rat. I just can’t keep my eyes open anymore. I have no idea when the last time I ate was because I don’t know how long I was asleep for.
Then I pass out.
I slowly wake up and realize that I’m on a hospital gurney. Apparently someone heard me knocking and notified the police. The Good Samaritan was a former casino worker who knew the casino was essentially abandoned and there was no work going on.
I was given IV’s that gave me enough strength for me to regain my consciousness. I asked the nurse “where’s my grandmother?”
She responds “Do you want me to call your grandmother and tell her your in the hospital?”
I say in a weak raspy voice “No, my grandmother was in the casino with me!”
The nurse said “Sir, the police report says your probably homeless and somehow you wandered into the casino.”
I say “No, my grandmother and I were playing the slot machines for days with no rest and we both went into the bathroom and each passed out in a stall.”
The nurse says “Sir the Taj Mahal went bankrupt months ago. If your story is accurate then you have been asleep for months.”
I start to get weak again and tell the nurse “Please my grandmother is on the third floor on the women’s bathroom.”
Then I pass out again.

"Probe and vaporize?" "No, abduct and bring back to the mothership." "My way's more fun." "'Abduct'. Not 'Vaporize.'" "Okay, but humanity ain't gonna annihilate itself. All I'm sayin'."
A species that lacked genitalia and so reproduced purely through cloning, the Furon DNA was becoming corrupted after millennia of using and remixing the same samples. Fortunately, through some of their ancestors being frisky with the inhabitants of Earth, hidden within their brain stems was pure, undamaged Furon DNA. Crypto-136 was sent to the planet to collect some and send it back to his home planet. He was promptly shot down, captured, tortured, had information extracted from him, killed, and dissected. So Crypto-137 (and his supervisor, Pox) was sent to finish the job, being far more successful and managing to take over the United States of America by posing as its president. Over the next two decades, Crypto would continue to send a healthy amount of DNA to his homeworld, protecting his business from enemy alien species, genocidal French environmentalists, and a Colonel Sanders knockoff, every so often setting out once again to Destroy All Humans!

Legend

It should be noted that Crypto-137 is the playable character in Destroy All Humans, while Crypto-138 is played in the sequel and Big Willy Unleashed and Crypto-139 is the protagonist of Path of the Furon, both after their predecessor died between games. That being said, as they are exact clones of each other (the sole exception being 138 has genitalia), their feats are applicable for all versions.
Unmarked - Destroy All Humans! (2020 Remake) 2 - Destroy All Humans! 2 BWU - Destroy All Humans! Big Willy Unleashed PotF - Destroy All Humans! Path of the Furon

Physicals

• Punched in the face by an army commander, knocking him back
• Stabbed with a fish^PotF
• Hit by the Temporal Fist technique by an older, more experienced furon (attacking him a large amount of times in frozen time) before getting sent into a pillar with a final punch^PotF
• Crashes in his saucer after its power is knocked out by a Tesla coil, being knocked out but surviving otherwise unharmed
• In gameplay can catch a rocket before it hits him
• Runs away after a nearby tank fired before the ground by him explodes^PotF

Shield

Crypto is almost always protected by an energy shield which depletes when damage is dealt, and automatically regenerates after a period of being unharmed. With an upgrade the shield is briefly invulnerable after taking damage. While the shield is down, Crypto can be killed by practically any attack.

• Can block a blow from an enormous robotic squid's tentacle^PotF
• Blocks bullets and shotgun blasts
• Blocks bullets from an anti-aircraft gun
• Protects from a stomp which tears up the ground in a large circle around a mech, also covering the ground with flames
• Blocks tank shots^PotF
• Is mostly (but not fully) depleted from an explosion during a compulsory tutorial. A building, the front of which is a similar distance to the bomb as Crypto is, is leveled by the blast²
• Takes only a slight amount of damage from his Ion Blaster
• Can take blasts from a Nexosporidium warriors^PotF
  • One such blast can seemingly vaporize a human^PotF
• Blocks a stream of flame^PotF
• Protects against germs

PK

Crypto has potent psychic abilities which manifest in a number of ways.

Telekinesis

• Bends a tv aerial
• Catches a rocket before it hits him and throws it back
• Seems to get money out of an ATM before yanking it free and carrying it^PotF
• Lifts and throws large rocks
• Lifts and throws a generator^PotF
• Lifts and throws cows a great distance
• Easily moves around cars^PotF and vans^PotF
• With slight delay on picking it up, carries and throws a 50s era fighter plane
• With slight delay on picking it up, carries and throws a tank
  • A better shot of how far it can be thrown
• Throws a man into stone statues, obliterating them^PotF
• With an upgrade, can throw a small object with the same strength as if he was throwing something massive
• Can magnetize people and objects towards what he's holding^PotF
• Seems to restrain a person being lifted^PotF

Machine Influencing

• Activates a keypad
• Makes a crane drop its load
• Causes an EMP mine to explode
• Turns off a generator
• Influences a control panel to turn off the energy cage he's in
• Sabotages a saucer, causing it to break shortly after taking to the air

Mind Reading / Suggestion

• With a cortex scan, can read the mind of a person without them noticing
  • Also works on animals
• Makes a person dance to cause a distraction
• Compels people to dance with Free Love, making them forget any alien occurrences they just witnessed²
  • Using this on one person causes everyone in the surrounding area to also dance²
  • Has a Disco Fever variant in the seventies^PotF
• Can implant suggestions in people, such as making them follow him or whoever he's disguised as
  • These followers will protect Crypto in a fight if they're armed
  • After implanting a suggestion in a person to follow him to his saucer, it ends abruptly and they become aware of their situation as soon as they're standing under it
• Has a soldier open a gate for him
• Makes a man drive a truck carrying an atomic bomb to an air force base
• Causes people to forget what they just saw
  • Through making them forget, can stop a person from following him

Holobob

• Copies the appearance of a person, making them frozen and invisible while the disguise is up. It gradually loses power over time, needing Crypto to cortex scan people to replenish it
  • The fading of the disguise is a representation to the player of it losing power, while surrounding humans don't notice anything wrong
  • The disguise breaks when Crypto commits an offensive psychic action, causing people to see him as an alien threat. If Crypto hides for a short while, he can continue using the same Holobob without issue
• Can convincingly portray people, as shown with him acting as a town's mayor at a speech with none of them noticing an issue
  • Portrays the President of the United States in a televised address without anyone seeing an issue

Body Snatch

• Allows Crypto to jump into the body of a person, controlling them. He can come out of the body without issue when he wishes to leave it²
• While possessing a body, it slowly loses energy with the body dying once this bar depletes. Energy can be replenished by cortex scanning people^PotF
  • Energy is also lost through the body taking damage²
  • When the body dies, Crypto is ejected without injury²
• Body snatches animals such as a cow^BWU and a chicken^BWU
• Body snatches another furon^PotF
• Crypto can perform other PK abilities while bodysnatching someone²
• Can body snatch while both him and his target is wearing a helmet on the moon²
• Body snatches from a distance without the person noticing, though it could be down purely to how people in Big Willy Unleashed are notably unresponsive to anything happening around them^BWU
• Body snatching a drunk person makes Crypto drunk while possessing them^PotF
• His voice does not change while body snatching someone. This does not make anyone he talks to think anything's weird, as he can talk to a KGB agent while possessing another KGB agent without issue being raised²
  • Portrays a mob godfather without anyone thinking anything's wrong^PotF

Transmog

• Transmutes an item into ammunition for his weapons by breaking objects down to their most basic components and reforming them
• Works on both small objects, like a kid's cart, and large objects, like a car
• Transmogs a large armoured vehicle²
• Can be used as a means of destroying vehicles²

Brain Extract

• Blows up a person's head, easily allowing Crypto to collect a person's brain stem
• Also works on corpses
• Can be transmitted to multiple targets when a person's head explodes
• Humans in the final stages of this attack their allies

Mind Flash

• Completely stuns every human in the world² for a short time, as shown here, though some humans are more resistant than others. This ability is replenished through collecting brain stems²

Time Stop

• Can stop time for a period with Crypto (or whoever he's body snatching) being able to freely move about in the meantime^PotF
• With the Temporal Fist technique can use his telekinesis in stopped time, with thrown objects flying in the fired direction when time resumes^PotF
  • Throws a projectile spat at him at high speeds back at his attacker like this^PotF
  • As objects put in the air remain there, Crypto can place and jump on platforms to reach high areas^PotF
• Fires his Ion Detonator, with the blasts exploding when time resumes^PotF

Other

• Seems to knock a man out by hitting him with psychic energy
• Makes an explosive barrel explode
• Makes a large radioactive hay bale explode
• Appears to teleport in from somewhere, though exactly how or from where is unknown^PotF

Weapons

Zap-O-Matic

• Shoots streams of electricity to shock and kill enemies
• Can chain between enemies
  • While the damage usually decreases with each enemy it links to, an upgrade has the power increase instead
• Destroys slot machines^PotF
• Obliterates a poker table with a short blast^PotF
• Blows up a 70s car with a sustained blast^PotF
• Destroys the bars of a cage he's trapped in^BWU
• Knocks a man out with a brief shock^PotF
• Is collapsible²
• By shocking them, activates and powers petrol-fueled generators^PotF

Anal Probe

• Shoots a beam which goes up the target's ass, damaging both their behind and their head until their head explodes, allowing Crypto to extract their brain stem
  • Can fire multiple of these probes
• Are heat seeking and burst fire in Path of the Furon,^PotF capable of firing multiple rounds at a single person or shooting at multiple people at once^PotF
• Disinfects humans of a spore which mutates them into a creature without killing them²

Disintegrator Ray

• Destroys slot machines^PotF
• Disintegrates people^BWU
• Disintegrates cows in two shots
• Sets targets ablaze with repeat shots
• Blows up large metal boxes
• Can be upgraded to be rapid fire and to shoot up to three blasts at the same time
• Shoots balls of fire
  • In Path of the Furon, they instead shoot ultra-hot antimatter slugs^PotF

Ion Detonator

• Shoots balls which explode in a large field of energy after a certain amount of time has elapsed, or on command
• The blast disintegrates people
• Can pull objects and enemies towards the projectile before it explodes
• An upgrade gives it a high chance of transmogging objects and vehicles it destroys
• With an upgrade, time slows for a short while after a blast explodes, with this ending early if Crypto attacks again. It's unknown if this is genuinely time slowing or if it's just Crypto's perception of time, though the description implies the former

Dislocator

• Doesn't deal damage, but sends whatever it hits moving about at notable speed, including heavily armoured vehicles²
• Easily moves a double decker bus²

Meteor Strike

• Locks onto a spot and calls down a meteor to strike it²
• Can destroy buildings²
• With an upgrade, calls down three meteors plus a small planetoid²

Gastro Gun

• A janitor and cook from Crypto's mothership, like Pox he downloaded his consciousness into a floating hologram unit outfitted with weapons. It shoots powerful energy blasts before self-destructing on running out of energy²

Burrow Beast

• Fires a ball of bait which can me moved about through telekinesis, luring out a large worm-like creature to burrow along the ground, erupting out to eat people²

Ball Lightning

• Shoots a floating ball of electricity which zaps all nearby enemies^BWU
• Can charge the Big Willy mech^BWU

Zombie Gun

• Turns enemies into zombies^BWU

Shrink Ray

• Fires blasts which shrink what they hit, be them enemies or objects^BWU

Superballer

• Shoots a ball which streams a rainbow behind it, homing in on enemies as it bounces around^PotF
• Carries enemies with it^PotF

Venus Human Trap

• Spawns a large, man-eating plant where it shoots^PotF
• Its vines can lift a police car^PotF
• Only one can be active at a time, lest they attack each other^PotF

Black Hole Gun

• Creates a miniature black hole where it shoots, sucking in nearby objects and obliterating them before disappearing shortly after. It is used to destroy to large, thick metal doors^PotF
• Destroys a generator^PotF

Other Gear

Jetpack

• Expands from his back, letting him fly up a distance before stopping to prevent the jetpack from disastrously overheating. While not propelling him up, allows him to glide and slow his descent
  • Can be improved to give him much greater flight time before needing to cool down and glide^PotF
• Lets Crypto dash forwards a short distance
  • Can deflect projectiles and send massive enemies flying
• Through the Supra Kinetic Antigrav Thrust Enhancer (S.K.A.T.E.), Crypto combines thrust from the jetpack with psychic energy around his feet to float around at high speed along solid and semi-solid surfaces

Holopox

• A floating holographic communicator Pox uses to communicate with Crypto, either remotely or due to him having downloaded his consciousness into it from Destroy All Humans 2 onwards
• Has a weapon that seemingly obliterates a furon^PotF
• Creates a hologram of a film projector, which then somehow projects a film onto a screen

Saucer

In Path of the Furon, after getting drunk and crashing his original flying saucer in his casino, Crypto was gifted a new one by Pox after getting back in action. Its capabilities are mostly the same, but unless that saucer or a composite saucer is specified while using Crypto feats marked PotF should be excluded.

Shield

Like Crypto, the saucer has a shield which protects it from damage and will be destroyed if hit when depleted. It also can be upgraded to be briefly invincible after taking a hit. Unlike Crypto's, the ship's shield doesn't automatically regenerate, instead needing to drain energy from vehicles to do so, whether they just be nearby or being held in its abduct-o-beam²

• In a cutscene, has an atomic bomb explode nearby it
  • Said bomb was labelled as being 10,000 MT
• Shot by tanks
• Can take direct hits from missiles and anti-aircraft guns

Repulse-O-Tron

• Emits an energy pulse from the saucer, destroying nearby missiles
• With an upgrade, can repel projectiles back to whoever fired them

Abduct-O-Beam

• Raises people into the air, being able to suck them into the saucer²
  • The new saucer can do this en-masse^PotF
• Carries and throws around cars and trucks
• Lifts and throws a tank
• Can transmog abducted vehicles, turning them into ammunition²
• Can be used while cloaked^BWU

Cloak

• Turns the Saucer invisible²
• Can instead disguise it as a blimp^BWU

Weapons

Object Destruction
These can be done by any attack in their respective games, either with an extended Death Ray (as shown in most of these) or some other accumulation of damage.

• Instantly destroys blimps²
• Destroys cars and anti-aircraft guns
• Destroys army trucks and tanks
  • Can make them flip high into the air on being destroyed
  • The upgraded Death Ray and other more powerful attacks can instantly destroy tanks^PotF
• Blows up a two storey building
• Levels a large building²
• Blows up a large diner
• Levels a warehouse^BWU
• Blows up a skyscraper with extended damage^PotF
• With a heavy amount of damage, causes the collapse of the Space Dust casino^PotF

Death Ray

• In a cutscene, obliterates a lighthouse with a brief blast
• With a large amount of damage destroys a giant building^PotF
• Can shoot directly down

Sonic Boom

• Shoots powerful blasts of sonic energy
• Sends a tank flying²
• Destroying a vehicle has that vehicle create a large shockwave, which in turn causes vehicles they destroy to make large shockwaves
• Blasts can be surrounded by a vortex which sucks in missiles and other projectiles, adding their damage to the boom's blast

Quantum Deconstructer

• Shoots a green blast of energy which expands on contact, dealing incredible damage and being able to instantly blow up buildings
• Objects and buildings destroyed by it have a chance of being transmogrified into ammo

Anti-Grav Field

• Creates a spot which has everything in the immediate area float and gravitate towards it²

Electro-Cone

• Creates a field of electricity around the saucer, striking targets below with bolts of electricity^BWU
• Quickly fries and destroys trucks^BWU

Seeker Drones

• Projectiles which lock onto potentially multiple targets, homing in on them when fired^PotF

Plasma Cannons

• Shoots rapid fire energy blasts^PotF

Tornadotron

• Creates a tornado that Crypto can control around, also being the only weapon he can use while cloaked^PotF

Other

• Gets zapped by a large Tesla coil, deactivating it and causing it to crash, but it still functions when Crypto re-obtains it
• Quickly flies from the upper atmosphere down to Earth
• Can slowly lower and raise Crypto to and from the ground
• Seems to restrain a person underneath it with energy around the limbs, also being able to flip them in the process
• Can blend the genes of abducted humans to improve the effects of the saucer and Crypto in various ways, such as letting him body snatch certain types of people faster²
• Has an experiment table inside of it^PotF
• Contains a Jump Probe, which greatly hurts anyone inside of it while seemingly rapidly aging them, used as a torture device to extract info
• Its fuel cells, if breached with explosives a few blocks away from the White House, could level the entire city
  • In Path of the Furon, the saucer runs on furon super go-go sludge or, in lieu of that, radioactive waste^PotF
• In Destroy All Humans! 2 and Path of the Furon, the saucer can only land at sites designated by statues to the old furon god after fulfilling their task^PotF

Big Willy

Big Willy is the fast food chain Pox set up to dispose of the corpses Crypto left behind while turning a profit on the side. Each of their 500 locations (or at least the three locations seen) have a giant statue of its mascot outside of it, which is actually a mech suit Crypto can pilot.

Physicals

• Jumps in to where Crypto is^BWU
• Makes a vehicle-moving shockwave on jumping^BWU
• Uproots and throws a tree^BWU
• Lifts and throws cars^BWU
• Picks up and throws a large stone pillar with it shattering on impact^BWU
• Picks up and throws tanks^BWU
  • A better view of the possible distance^BWU
• Has a thrown rock shatter on it^BWU
• Can be shot by a tank which immediately before leveled a warehouse in a single shot, with the tank's driver asking what the mech's made out of^BWU

Abilities

Regurg-A-Tron

• Sprays green liquid from the mouth, damaging anything in front of it^BWU

Heat Beams

• Shoots lasers from his eyes, which with extended blasts can level buildings^BWU

Wind Breaker

• Releases a burst of gas all around Big Willy, causing heavy damage^BWU

Other

• When Big Willy gets hit, it loses energy. It can also be deactivated for a time through an EMP blast^BWU
• Can be recharged through Crypto's electric weapons hitting a device which comes out of its back^BWU
  • Also recharges through consuming brains^BWU

Weaknesses

• Is notably weak to water, with it rapidly draining his shield and potentially killing him
  • Water acts as acid to furons
  • In Big Willy Unleashed, it instantly kills him on contact^BWU
  • He no longer takes any form of damage with water in Path of the Furon^PotF
• Electromagnetic pulse emitters can stop his equipment weapons and jetpack from working^BWU
• EMP mines deal damage and temporarily deactivate his weapons
• When some humans had their latent furon DNA activated, they could hurt Crypto with the equivalent of mental screaming

Other

• Has a vision augmentation that connects his weapons to his cerebral cortex, allowing him to lock onto enemies
  • Can easily switch his lock on between enemies
• Attaches a helmet to his suit to survive on the moon²
• In Big Willy Unleashed, whenever Crypto dies it's said his genetic material is quickly replicated and cloned, being able to continue the mission immediately. However, a new clone isn't canonically made until between Big Willy Unleashed, and this doesn't appear representative of the process in the rest of the games^BWU

"You two-bit tin horn petty tyrant! I fart bigger than you! You think just because you can keep a few depressed peasants in line you can go toe to toe with me? I'm the king of the world! The master of disaster! The baddest dude in the whole damn town! King Kong ain't got nothing on me!"

TL;DR - I use the craft beer industry as a way to understand Capitalist Propaganda, how Capitalism and Socialism are inextricably linked to each other, and how through the use of propaganda, companies use the "illusion of choice" to coerce you into believing that you prefer the products that are most favorable to them. In order to change this into the consumer's favor, you need to be an informed consumer in the free market, and raise class consciousness to overthrow the tyranny of Capitalist Propaganda, that is called "Marketing".
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You can't understand Capitalist Propaganda unless you have a solid understanding of what Capitalism is beyond the literal definition of the word, which is just an abstract ideal. Propaganda plays off of the discrepancies between the ideals of Capitalism, like the free market, which is another abstract ideal, and the reality of Capitalism in practice in America, which can be characterized as Trickle Down Economics. Capitalism sought to be a pragmatic alternative to its economic predecessors, a fact which drives Capitalist Propaganda. However, through layers of abstraction throughout the years, it has become more of a religion, as critics refer to the increasingly ideological concept as "Supply Side Jesus", meaning you give all the money to the rich, it'll trickle down to the poor, and they can "vote" on the actions of the capitalists through monetary interactions in the free market.
Capitalist Propaganda is engrained in America, because at the time of our founding, Adam Smith wrote "Wealth of Nations", which is considered the Bible of the Free Market. This groundbreaking work utilized Newton's Laws of Physics, which were en vogue at the time, to describe how interactions in the marketplace would balance each other out, just as the laws of Newtonian Physics do.
The very noble purpose of Wealth of Nations was not create the oligarchy we have today, but to do the opposite. He wanted to describe a system that would protect individual freedoms and be truly democratic. Just as Lenin and Stalin bastardized the works of Marx, so too have capitalists in America bastardized the intentions of Adam Smith.
Capitalism and Socialism are best learned side by side, in my opinion, to avoid falling into the trappings of either ideology that our brains like to do. Which one is better? It depends on the market, but the answer is almost always somewhere in between.
Through learning how Socialist concepts can be applied to problems in Capitalism, you can cut through the propaganda and will see for yourself that these problems can be solved if we just drop the labels and do what's best for society and the individual. The problem is always finding the proper balance.
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WHAT? CAPITALISM AND SOCIALISM ARE JOINED AT THE HIP?
Yep. You can never live in a pure economic system. Purity is always an illusion. If you want something to be pure, you have to put a lot of energy into making it that way. Nature likes to mix stuff up. This is why ideologies around racial purity and fascism always fail. There are people who want a "pure" economic system, but they are usually the people at the top and would only get richer from more purity while the rest of society loses freedom and slowly starves.
In a nutshell, Capitalism promotes laws that benefit those with money, while Socialism promotes a safety net that benefits everyone. Every single human is born into Socialism. As a baby, you need food, someone else works for it and gives it to you, but then at some point, you are expected to exchange labor for capital, and buy your own food. See? The two are forever bound as the yin and yang. You can also grow your own food, but for that you need land, which is capital.
These interactions are very tricky. I only want to tell you enough so that you can start to see Capitalist Propaganda, because right now, you're like a fish in water that can't see water. I often use this line to describe a person who can't see their own homegrown propaganda. The best way I found to study Capitalism is by relating it Socialism, the "air" above the "water" of Capitalism, if that makes sense.
I always find it best to look at a microcosm to understand these concepts. And today, that microcosm is beer.
Mmmm....Beeeeeeeeeerrrrrrr.....
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CONFLICT OF INTEREST AND THE ILLUSION OF CHOICE
Before I poison your mind with my own propaganda, picture you're on vacation and you walk into a bar and want to order a beer. If you really want to understand the power of propaganda in your own life, really think of this before we break this all down. Really think, what makes you decide which beer to order? Do you like to look at the labels on the tap or bottle? That's obvious propaganda. It has absolutely nothing to do with the taste or quality of the beer itself, but sways your opinion toward logos you've seen before, which is why you see so many beer advertisements, which means that money that could've gone into quality is instead going into propaganda, and you're already biased towards an inferior product. Interesting. You really can't help being swayed by marketing, but at least you can be conscious of that fact, and that's important in order to be an informed consumer.
Do you ask the bartender for a recommendation? Why would you do that? You don't know the bartender any better than the beers in front of you. How do you know they aren't paid more to offer you a beer that sucks and is 12 years old and the owner wants to get rid of it? Do you ask for a certain style of beer? Do you ask for a local beer? And once you finally narrow it down to a few choices, do you ask for samples so you can make up your own mind? You should always do this. Then we get into "flavor propaganda", which we'll discuss later. Jeez. Did you every realize there was so much complexity behind being an informed consumer and just ordering a simple beer? Maybe you'll give in and just tell the bartender to pour whatever. Choice is difficult sometimes.
If you really visualize this and take a minute to let this sink in, you'll start to understand how external forces hijack the processor in your mind to manufacture desire through the illusion of choice. However, your health and enjoyment of the beer is not the goal for these external forces, they only want you to purchase. The perfect example is fast food. They know their product sucks, but they know you'll keep buying it, but that doesn't keep them from lying about how delicious it is in their ads. There is far more at play behind the curtain. There is a science behind addicting you to things, this is reinforced by a corporate tax and subsidy system that contorts the free market pushing centralization of production through homogenization and use of chemicals to hide the homogenization, and simply because there is more than one option, they make you feel like you have choice. This, in a nutshell, is how the illusion of choice works in the free market. It's not about what YOU want. The producer manipulates you to think you want what they have. Through this, they deceive Americans into buying products with a list of ingredients that a person would never freely choose to consume. So if you want to order a beer with no shit in it, then you're shit out of luck in America. You could in Germany, but we'll discuss that later.
While you're standing at that bar, you aren't conscious of the fact that your interests are in direct opposition to those of the bar owner's. Capitalists hide this fact with their perfect smiles, but Marx described this in detail. You want the best beer for the cheapest price, and the bar owner wants to sell you the cheapest beer at the highest price you'll pay. It doesn't stop there. The bar owner flips roles in the same situation with the beer distributor, who does the same with maybe another level of distribution, and continues to the brewer, then goes to the brewer versus supplier, supplier to farmer, and even though you'd think it stops there, the farmer has to deal with suppliers of equipment and seeds, and on and on.
Add to this list their auxiliary staff of HR, drivers, managers, brewers, bottle/keg makers, and of course owners, none of them care whether you actually like the beer you're drinking as long as you keep buying more. That's the big driver here.
Did you ever realize that every time you buy a beer, your own capital is partially responsible for creating and sustaining all of these jobs involved? You, my dear beer drinker, are the true job creator. Budweiser can brew all they want, it means nothing without buyers, who are the true engines of capitalism. Instead, you're treated as a rube by suits in a boardroom somewhere.
Capitalist Propaganda tells us the billionaires are job creators, but this is a lie. Jeff Bezos can't drink enough beer to sustain all these jobs. So why do we let him hoard all the money? Wouldn't the economy do better if we spread out Jeff's money so more people could buy more beers and more jobs would be created? According to Socialist Economics, yes. That's actually, quite simply, a Socialist Free Market. Did you even know that existed? The power hungry greedy people who are too lazy for manual labor go to such great lengths to make sure you don't learn it. They want you to think that only Capitalism allows you choice in the market. I'm sure you can guess why they say that.
Capitalism maintains itself by exulting the wealthy who use their economic power to punch down. The only way this system won't fall into fascism and fail is if the consumers start to punch back. Where Marx envisioned the Dictatorship of the Proletariat as they usurped power from the Bourgeoisie, a modern alternative is just teaching people to understand the system we live in, so that we can just start making changes in the way we live and to whom we give our money.
See that? Capitalism and Socialism can get along nicely, so long as the consumers are informed.
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CLASS CONSCIOUSNESS AND THE ALIENATION OF LABOR CAUSING LONELINESS IN SOCIETY
What I described within the previous section is what Marx called "Alienation of Labor". Each step in the process of making your beer is isolated from the others, so no one feels ownership over the end product or a true connection to the consumer, or job creator. Even the bartender selling it is alienated from the profit of their labor in serving the beer, so they only focus on the service aspect of giving you the beer, because that is where they earn their tip. They can't really fix anything about a shitty beer other than to offer you a different brand. The capitalist owner is usually not there. Their only interaction is setting the rules for everyone in the bar to follow, and pay themselves more than everyone who has to follow those rules. This is part of the conflict between the classes. I'm not saying it's right or wrong, I'm just pointing it out. The bar owner themself has to spend money on propaganda to attract customers that could be spent in other places, so has to find ways to cut costs. Unfortunately, they buy cheaper beer...and this is why you end up with IPAs. No one is connected to the products, so they only look at prices and find the cheapest, passable product. This is the race to the bottom of Capitalism.
Compare this to when brewpubs were a new thing. The brewer would come out and talk to you about the beer, you would give feedback that could effect future batches and it connected everyone to each other through commerce. It makes business "social" and I think nearly everyone enjoys that, but it is losing out in competition with chain breweries that enforce isolation and make cookie cutter propaganda and cookie cutter business models so they can turn owners into managers and suck all the profit back their corporate headquarters and offshore accounts. They kill the experience and make everything transactional. And all the kitsch they hang around their cookie cutter chain bar is just to hide the fact that no one in that place cares about anything other than not getting fired. Everyone is effectually alienated from everyone else. It's worth a read to check out this page on Marx's Theory of Alienation.
This alienation is the root of a lot of misery in society. Humans are communal animals forced to live in a society of individuality and alienation. As they mope around, they seek an escape. And that is why advertising is so nefarious. It seeks to manipulate you in that state. Imagine driving home from your alienating job to you empty home, but looking up and see a billboard with bunch of actors laughing and drinking beer. They take pictures that make these actors look like friends. It's just for show. They aren't selling beer to those laughing people in the picture. They're tempting lonely people to drown their sorrows. Capitalist Propaganda is used so your brain doesn't understand what it wants. It wants friends, then sees the words Bud Light. So when the bartenders asks...Make it a Bud Light. Look at how much money they spend to manipulate and capitalize on people's suffering.
Propaganda in Communist countries is controlled by the government, so it's clear who the enemy of your freedom is. Capitalist Propaganda hides behind the layers of complexity of the same economy you rely on to survive, so you never know what's propaganda or where it's coming from. Marketers find every way imaginable to get their disinformation in front of your eyes, even enlisting your friends on Facebook in annoying MLM schemes. Propaganda invaded everything that can be legally monetized. It's in the media, and not just commercials anymore. There's product placement, stories injected into the news, and even movies and social media created an entire industry of "lifestyle propaganda", telling you how to live your life and indulge in overconsumption. It's REALLY hard to get away from Capitalist Propaganda. There is so much money and research behind it and so much depth, even this long post is only barely scratching the surface. I just want to open your eyes to it.
I can't make you see all this. No one can. I can only describe it as best as I can. What you will experience when you understand this is what I call "Economic Enlightenment", similar to what Marx called "Class Consciousness". Once it happened to me, the world looked amazing, and the shitty propagandists selling us false hope all look like clowns in a very odd circus of vanity, despair and mediocrity.
Once I understood this, I saw clearly how we are increasingly trapped in a form of Corporate Slavery, led by seriously ridiculous oligarchs like Mark Zuckerberg, who thinks he's the reincarnation of Augustus Caesar or something. That's why he has that haircut! This is a guy who stole a company and hired "screen psychologists" from Las Vegas to get you hooked on Facebook the same as casinos do with slot machines. He wants to be the funnel for propaganda throughout the world. He wants to be the kingmaker, decide what people buy, who they like, what views they hold. He can only do this because so many companies spend so much money to put their propaganda on that platform. They can only have this much money because the free market is not actually free. It's bought and paid for on platforms like Facebook and Amazon. The money that was supposed to "trickle down" is instead being spent on Capitalist Propaganda on these platforms, to get the proletariate to trickle their money up through endless, nonsensical online purchasing and local businesses who send the town's money to people who can't do anything with it but buy up properties that increase your rent and cost of living.
When people get drunk on the power of propaganda, they forget the lessons of the past. Propagandists always fall prey to their own delusions over time. In reality, your life is better without Facebook. There isn't anything on there that is healthy. Even if you just want to talk to a few friends, you are going to fall for the propaganda there. You can't help it. And if your bar advertises on Facebook, just think, that money could've gone into purchasing higher quality beer then sold at the same price, instead of going to Mark Zuckerberg so he can drop $30 million to buy the houses around him so no one can spy on him while he spies on you. You really gotta watch out for a guy who combines spying and propaganda all into a single app and thinks he's going to bring 200 years of peace to America. History is littered with knuckleheads like that. It's best to get off Facebook and encourage everyone else to do the same. Zuck only wants to lead himself to the Promised Land, and he's using your ignorance to fuel his own delusions by deluding you into thinking you want what he has to offer.
Let's get back to beer.
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IPAs AND THE FREE MARKET VS THE RACE TO THE BOTTOM
I like beer. When I worked in Germany, it was easy to walk into a bar and, like Farva, just order a liter o' beer. Often, there would only be two choices, light color or dark. As a matter of fact, even at the most famous beer festival in the world, Oktoberfest, people mostly drink the same standard type of beer, and no one complains about the lack of choice. It's quite easy. You can order with one finger. No need to see a menu or ask what's in it. It's simply beer. This worked for centuries. Consumers are fine with it. Prost! Have you ever shared a story like this and people say, "Oh, that would never work in America. Americans want choice." Yeah. Because we are flooded with Capitalist Propaganda.
So if consumer choice isn't pushing for a selection, why would a free market call for it? Imagine there are two bars and one of those bars says "30 beers on tap" and the other doesn't. You're more likely to choose it, and the other bar will have to compete in some way, often by copying. This forms trends, and people mistake this for something customers wanted. Trends are always marketing. Don't believe me? What happened to fidget spinners? So now you have a bunch of beers that no one asked for, yet will now demand. Competition creates more Capitalist Propaganda to create demand for something you never even wanted, but makes you think you do. And that's the best propaganda. You think you are thinking for yourself. This is the fallacy of consumer choice.
If you want to understand just how important that last paragraph is, consider this, "consumer choice" is the same propaganda they used to get you to carry around a device that spies on you 24/7 and sends that data to people you don't know, and you can't stop it, can you? You chose that. You wanted it. Not only that, but you paid $1,000 for the device to opt into their spying program, for the privilege of being mind controlled by the propaganda their AI selects for you. Did you read the Terms of Service? As bad as you may have thought Communist Propaganda was, Capitalist Propaganda is far better, and far stealthier. You believe you have freedom of choice. But your only choice is usually take it, or leave it. Oh, you need it for work? Maybe find a different job. Or just succumb to mass surveillance, and next year, you can drop another grand on a device with a marginally better camera.
There is a way to free yourself. You just have to understand the nature of propaganda. It took me a while, but I eventually broke free. Under Socialism, there would be laws against the exploitation of consumers. Capitalist Propaganda tells you that this takes away your freedom. This is a lie. Regulations give you the freedom to not have to worry whether the beer you're drinking has poison in it.
Germany has a lot of regulations on beer. It has the Reinheitsgebot (purity order), a law passed in 1516 that states that beer can only consist of water, hops and barley. Note, this is a different use of the word "purity" from earlier, as beer is itself a mixture of things. Historically there have also been regulations where beer could only be sold regionally, so no matter what part of Germany you were in, you only got a certain brand of beer at the bar, but it didn't matter because they all had the same ingredients. They could make wheat beers or unfiltered, but they were generally variations of pilsners and lagers. One meaning of the word "Lager" in German is "storage", meaning the beer was brewed in a way that it could be stored, allowing them to brew in bigger batches and store it.
Lagers use a more complex brewing process, so only larger breweries would make them, but this worked because of protected territories. America has a similar system, because each state has its own regulations on alcohol, but this is changing as corporate lawyers fight to homogenize the rules favorable to them, but the consumer loses control. Big brands tend to be lagers as they have general appeal to a wide audience. Did you notice this is the second time I pointed out that corporations create homogeneity? Without regulations, corporations create Fascism. That is why I tell people that we already live in the NWO but corporations rule the world instead of governments. Why do you think so few conspiracy theorists make this connection? Propagandists are paid a lot of money to keep even our small community confused about the reality of what's happening. Now, check out conspiracy and you'll see what I mean. They are spreading propaganda for the NWO over there and don't even know it. I tried to point that out and they finally banned me. Oh well. They'll figure it out in their own time.
In America, in 1978 it became legal to brew beer at home. This is what led to the explosion of new beers in the US decades later. Americans don't have purity laws, so could test new recipes. But people didn't generally like IPAs before, so how did they become so popular that they control 30% of the market? Marketing, of course. Create the market and tell people what they want.
IPA stands for India Pale Ale. It was invented by the British as an easy way to make a beer that they could drink in India. People only drank it out of necessity, as the other beers couldn't make the trip. IPAs are very easy to make and very forgiving, because if you mess it up, it already tasted bad anyway. As people started trying to get into microbrews, they often didn't have the capital to make lagers at small scale, and also wanted a simpler process so they didn't have to hire or train expert brewers, IPAs are cheap and easy to make at smaller scale.
In order to make it drinkable, brewers experimented with many different flavorings. This created a cult following of craft IPAs, where people would drive hours to stand in line for hours to try the newest concoction. The trendy nature of the craft beer world kept people training their palate to adapt to the taste of an IPA, making people start to actually like them. The flavorings made people think they were different, so even if they didn't like it, marketing tactics kept people coming back to try the latest blend. Your palate can adapt A LOT. Swedish people love Surströmming, but watch this video of Americans trying it for the first time. They tried to get me to eat it several times, but I would rather sit in a sauna until Tuesday to avoid smelling it while watching them eat it. It really smells that bad.
IPAs enticed people with popular, aromatic ingredients like bananas and pineapple. This is what I call "flavor propaganda". It's not bad in and of itself, but it can be easily misused to cover issues with quality or hide the taste of preservatives. Since we don'e have laws like Germany, you're left to rely on the knowledge and honesty of the bartender to find out. They don't make this info readily available, which is another form of Disinformation.
So if you think you actually like IPAs, just remember, you are just like a Swede eating rotten fish. A lot of propaganda went in to making IPAs popular, but it's the cheapest, easiest product to make that can be sold at the highest price, so they become popular. This is what business students call a business plan. To overcome the bad taste, IPAs were marketed as "classy" to shame you if you choose the more expensive to produce and more appealing pilsners and lagers, which were given a bad name due to being associated with major brands like Bud Light. This makes it harder to market microbrew lagers, which can only fetch a certain price due to association. And this is what is referred to as the "race to the bottom" in Capitalism.
Instead of trying to innovate ways to produce the beers you want, they just figure out how to get you to pay more for an inferior product, just like they do with BBQ. They make you think you want it. From this you can understand why "food" is full of junk that you wouldn't feed your dog. Whatever legal poison helps cheapen the product is considered "smart business", another propaganda term designed to hide the reality of doing immoral and harmful things to other humans for profit. If you make money on it, it's good. As if there aren't better choices we could come up with if there truly were a free market with an informed consumer.
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STRENGTHEN THE FREE MARKET BY BEING AN INFORMED CONSUMER
We don't need a Communist Revolution to make positive changes, so take off your ski masks and put your Antifa flags down. I like microbrew culture and still enjoy IPAs, but understanding the marketplace is how I do my part as an informed consumer and job creator to help create the world that I want to live in. I encourage you to do the same. Vote with your dollars. Don't let the Zuck-type sociopathic, corporate people in a distant land decide what you consume by looking at ads on his platform. Visit local breweries and talk to the brewmaster. Don't reinforce alienation from labor. Connect with the people who make the things you buy. Support independent entrepreneurship. These are the paths to a brighter future where we share in the abundance of wealth.
Discover Economic Enlightenment for yourself and realize that We The People are ultimately in control. Wealth inequality is greater than it was in France before the French Revolution. Don't let this train take us into the depths where another Lenin will arise and spend the night shooting people.
How you choose to spend your money today is what decides what will become the society of tomorrow. And remember, you always have the choice to buy nothing at all. I never saw a billboard that said that.
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LET THEM DRINK BEER!
I hope this gave you a glimpse behind the curtain of Capitalist Propaganda. Propaganda isn't just political, it has invaded everything and it's at full blast right now. I hope you can piece together how Capitalist Propaganda is actually designed to make you subservient by controlling what you want so they can maximize their own profit and teach you to accept whatever they offer, the homogenization of choice. However, your life is your own and you should remain in control of all aspects of it, including your desires.
Richard Wolff is an economist who studied at three elite universities in America and discusses how he was not able to even learn about Socialist Economics in the ivory tower, even though Capitalist Propaganda calls universities leftist. He found no department in America that is even willing to teach it or study it. Capitalist Propaganda censors these ideas, especially at the university. People in power don't want the serfs to learn about themselves. Check him out on YouTube. You'll realize that unchecked Capitalism leads to Fascism and Slavery, which is why they want to get rid of the minimum wage, so that we can return to sharecropping which is already increasingly happening in America under different names, like "student debt", "mortgages" and "insurance". Don't you think it's odd that a person has to go into debt so they can generate profits for corporations who really ought to be paying for this education themselves? If you have to go into debt before they'll hire you, it's much easier to negotiate against you.
If you want to see other examples of propaganda, check out this random tweet from one of America's Top Capitalist Propagandists. These are very odd pictures, and the only thing I can see in them is that they must be promoting those outfits, likely the blue dress, maybe those men's outfits as well. One thing you know is that she didn't become a billionaire by letting any single opportunity to enrich herself at the expense of others pass her by. I didn't look it up, but I am certain they sell that blue dress, or whoever does paid her to post this.
That's the main reason celebrities use social media. It's marketing. Their whole schtick is to sell garments made in a sweatshop in a foreign country by people who can't even afford a beer to Americans who are facing bankruptcy and homelessness themselves.
Read the replies of the tweet. These people have influence that vastly outsizes their understanding of their impact on the world. There are guillotines in the comments. There usually are. I'm seeing them a lot lately.
This type of propaganda is everywhere. And it's destroying America. Just like propaganda led to the demise of Nazi Germany, we could be looking at the same thing, but worse. It could start off as famine.
If you're having trouble deciding between the beers you are being offered, it's probably because you don't want anything at all, in which case the proper choice is: nothing. Or, try tap water. Maybe you're just thirsty. Now ask yourself, when you envisioned yourself at a bar, did you ever think to order water instead? Did you entertain the idea that you didn't even want a beer. That's the power of suggestion.
What if the rest of the world just cut America off from the means of production outsourced to areas with cheap labor? We would have our own famine and likely war. And if we have a revolution here, with the masses in the country being so disinformed about everything and not having any sort of class consciousness at the moment and instead stuck in alienation, the leader that rises here will likely lead to something horrifying. And we censor ourselves from pointing out the simple fact, that the only way America will survive is to tax the deluded royalty like Kim and Mark back to reality, so they can't indulge their reckless, childish delusions by selling off the very fabric of our nation to the highest bidder.
That doesn't make me a Socialist, that just makes me honest.
Enjoy your beer!
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Thanks for reading and I hope I helped you understand how you can empower yourself. I'm excited about the one I wrote for Election Day tomorrow to keep our NOPOL spirits up while all the politics clouds the airwaves. Cheers!

Magic items. Objects imbued with magic in order to make them better, or even gain a completely different function. But apparently the only places they exist are in monster hoards and adventurers' backpacks.
Realistically however, everyone wants things that are better at what they do. And eventually, people get what they want.
Today i will go over some objects that are useful outside of the context of adventuring, as well as how they might change the world around them. I will not mention artifacts, since those are one-of-a-kind objects with pre-established locations, usage, etc.
While the topic has always existed, Tasha's Cauldron has added a few interesting toys to our proverbial tool box, which makes this as good a time as any to take a look and
Much like in the Spells and Society post, the rarer an item the more amazingly powerful it must be to be worthy of mention. Actually i recommend reading that post before this one. Since a lot of magic items just allow you to cast spells for free, knowing which spells alter the world gives a good idea of which items can do the same.

Uncommon

+1 tools.
That's right, +1 tools. Not +1 weapons.
Consider a guard. How much of his time is actually spent fighting? A minute every other day? That's not getting a lot of use out of his sword. Even a soldier spends weeks marching, or months guarding a fort, and then only fights for a few minutes or hours. Even if a guard has a superb weapon that doubles his combat effectiveness, it only makes him 1% or 2% better at being a guard[1]. Given a choice of uncommon item, any guard and most soldiers would rather have a Weapon of Warning to prevent being backstabbed, ambushed or caught off-guard.
Now consider a lumberjack or miner. They spend several hours a day hitting trees and rocks. An enchanted axe, saw or pickaxe would see continuous use in their hands. Not only that, magic items are also described as being "at least as durable as a nonmagical item of its kind. Most magic items, other than potions and scrolls, have resistance to all damage". This means the +1 pickaxe would be far, far more resilient to wear and tear than a mundane one, potentially being passed down for generations. And with your miners and lumberjacks being more efficient, you need less of them. Which in turn means you get to have more guards.
Another noteworthy thing here is adamantine items. They deal automatic critical damage to objects and are much harder to destroy. In other words, they're great at chopping trees and ores, bending hot metal, cutting cloth, plowing a field, etc. All while having a fraction of the wear and tear.
​
Bags of Holding, Handy Haversacks and Portable Holes.
AKA your transporty boyes.
The bag of holding is an old favorite among players, and the reason is obvious: it has a million uses.
Most adventurers use it for carrying all their junk. The bad guys in the original Baldurs Gate game used bags of holding to smuggle whole shipments to and from their iron mine base with just one guy. One of my players once put a huge boulder in it, then flew up and dropped the boulder on an enemy transport ship. And let us not forget the classic Arrowhead of Total Destruction.
All of these are perfectly valid uses. Smuggling a small object is easier than smuggling a large object. Dropping huge objects from a high place turns anything that flies into a siege weapon. And the Arrowhead, while expensive, can deal with very large threats that could level a city.
But honestly, every merchant is a smuggler at heart. After all, as long as brigands roam the roads, there will always be a need to hide your valuables in an extraplanar space small enough to fit any orifice. Not only that, the bag allows you to dump a cart entirely and just ride to your destination much faster (and therefore, more safely).
Of course not every merchant can afford a bag of holding, so this brings about an interesting topic of inequality in your campaign. Some merchants can go from A to B faster and more safely on a horse, while the majority must go with a bull-drawn cart that is slow and vulnerable. And bags of holding don't even require attunement, so once you have one and your income soars you can get another, and another... Its a serious rich-get-richer situation, and you risk running all the mundane merchants out of business.
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Broom of Flying.
I'm gonna start this one with saying that brooms of flying and carpets of flying are overpowered. They are consistently better than items of similar rarity that provide the same benefit, like boots and wings of flying. The reason here is, in my humble opinion, the same reason why Fireball deals more damage than any 3rd level spell and most 5th level ones: its iconic.
As for the item itself, its pretty much a permanent flying speed of 50 while carrying up to 200lbs, or 30ft. speed while carrying 201-400lbs. Its a deliveryboy's dream... except not.
You see, the broom of flying isn't just a hoverbike, its also a drone. You say the command word, and it flies up to a mile a way. Say it again, it comes back. In other words, the crazy wizard in his tower can just tie some money and a note on the broom and send it to a shop, then call it back once the shopkeeper has tied the groceries to it. Poor delivery boy just lost his job.
But wait, there's more! If the broom can fly on its own, can it plow a field? Can it spin an "animal" traction mill? The answer is: yes. But there's no reason to use magic where a common animal would do, unless its a crazy high magic setting or something.
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Decanter of Endless Water
I think anyone can see how infinite water is broken as fuck[2]. But that's not all. By speaking the command word and pulling the lid, you can cause 30 gallons (136.4 litres) of water to pour out with enough force to push a 200 pound object 15 feet. This action can be repeated every turn (6 seconds), since a decanter of endless water has no limit on how often it can be used.
So a decanter is not just infinite water, but also infinite energy provided you have enough technology to build a mill. Even more energy if you activate the decanter in a high place and use gravity to give those 30 gallons even more potential.
Do keep in mind however that in 5e there must be someone using their action to activate it every turn. In previous editions however one could leave the decanter open and it would pour water constantly.
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Hat of Disguise
This wee cap is not game-breaking for its great usefulness, but rather for its ability to fuck the world up. Any charlatan with a Hat of Disguise can walk into a bank, guild, ship, etc. and pretend to be anyone. Sure it doesn't happen often, but when it happens the crime spree is enormous. And while there are ways to work around disguised criminals, the fact people have to work around it is an issue in and of itself.
Societies based on trust pretty much can't function. Does everyone sign everything? Do people start using IDs? Do organizations start using items or employing animals that can see through illusions? Is there an industry for door frames that detect illusions?
Even without the hat, Disguise Self is still a 1st level spell. Yet somehow the sourcebooks have no mention of how the world might adapt to the idea that you can't trust people to be who they seem to be. And if anyone with access to 1st-level spells can walk up to the king without difficulties, you wont have kings for long.
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Ring of Mind Shielding
A great item, if you're an asshole. Keeps people from sensing your evil alignment, keeps them from reading your evil thoughts, keeps pesky zones of truth from sensing your lies, and it even makes itself invisible so nobody can notice you're wearing the "i am evil" ring. It even keeps your immortal soul from going into eternal damnation!
One thing i always think of soul-trapping items is that they're a good way for evil people to avoid the afterlife. If you're good, you want to go to Celestia, Elysium, Arborea or Ysgard. Yet if you're evil, being stuck in a ring and talking to its wearer might be better than Baator, Carceri or the Abyss.
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Sending Stones
Another classic, unfortunately the stones were nerfed and now can only Send to each other once a day.
Still, long range communication is nothing to scoff at. And while hiring someone to Send for you is cheaper, the stones provide more privacy and can be sent to far off corners of the world where you can't afford to station a caster full time.
Expect each mayor or baron to have one of these, while someone in the capital answers their "calls". Something of a royal secretary if you will. While magic items are expensive, shaving days off of your disaster response time can be the difference between having a kingdom and having ruins.

Rare

Bag of Beans
An often overlooked item, the BoB is crazy powerful. It has 3d4 beans, each of which can trigger a random effect. Notably they have a 10% chance of creating a random potion that lasts 30 days, a 10% chance of creating 1d4+3 eggs that can permanently raise an attribute by 1[3], a 9% chance of spawning a full on pyramid with a mummy lord and appropriate loot[4], and a 1% chance of leading anywhere.
Why bother with tomes when you can get twice as many stats from a bag of beans?
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Helm of Teleportation.
1d3 castings of Teleport every day, plain and simple. That means 9 people can travel about 14 times in a week[5].
That's a lot of potential trading to be had for sure, but why stop there?
Say your kingdom spent tons of time and money training and equipping an elite unit. You wouldn't want them to spend 80% of their time on the road and 20% solving issues right? One rare item can make your 9-men unit five times more efficient.
Adventurers are in much the same boat: small group, lots of capital invested into their gear and training, yet they somehow spend most of their time going back and forth between adventures (until level 9 if they have a bard, sorcerer or wizard in the party, past 9 if they don't). It honestly amazes me that the Helm of Teleportation is not listed more often as a must-have party item.
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Manuals/Tomes
For those unaware: there are 3 manuals and 3 tomes in the game, each increases an attribute by 2 when used and then loses its magic for 100 years.
The #1 item on any adventurer's to-get list, the existence of the tomes raises far more questions than answers. Who makes these? Why are they not mass produced? Can i get a magically accelerated demiplane, throw the books in and recharge them in a fraction of the time? Why do people not abuse the f*** out of them?
And when i mean abuse, i mean make smart use of them. Say a kingdom has, over the course of generations, acquired 5 or so tomes. Then the ruler reads them and becomes super smart/wise/popular. That sounds like the sort of thing that would make the whole realm prosper. Do it on an elven/dwarven kingdom and the ruler can read his tomes multiple times, granting him a godlike mind.
And that's without considering the idea of immortals. Or even high level druids. Any lich or vampire could become insanely powerful, not only from being able to use each tome a dozen times, but also from having eons to look for more or even craft them[6].
One thing i really like about tomes is watching the party decide what to do with them after spending the magic. Do they auction the books? Trade with some elf for favors? Give it to a friendly vampire?

Very rare

Candle of Invocation
For 4 hours clerics and druid of the proper alignment within 30ft can cast 1st level spells without using spell slots. In other words, crazy amounts of healing. Pop one after a battle and in a few minutes your whole army will be ready for more. Or pop it during a battle, and have the Healing Word the crap out of your troops from a safe-ish distance.
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Carpet of flying, Peregrine Mask
Carpets of flying function much like brooms of flying, except they are faster or carry more weight (depending on size). They would be a strict upgrade, except they lack the drone function the broom has.
A peregrine mask provides a flying speed of 60, but has no carrying capacity. That means if you have a Powerful Build or a similar feature it can actually carry more than the carpets.
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Cauldron of Rebirth
If there's one thing Tasha's Cauldron has brought us, its this cauldron.
It has some minor uses for scrying making potions, but here's the deal breaker: you put a corpse in the cauldron, fill it with 10gp worth of salt (200lbs.) and it casts Raise Dead on the creature.
Resurrection normally costs 500gp. worth of diamonds. With the cauldron it costs 10gp worth of salt. Sure there's a one week cooldown, but who cares? I see two scenarios here: either a resurrection every week is more than the local demand, or less than the local demand.
If its more than the demand, that means everyone who dies of unnatural causes and has 10gp to spare gets resurrected.
If its less than the demand, that means you're raising one person every 7 days. Depending on how high the demand is you could be making as much as 500gp a week, or 26k a year. Considering that the DMG says a Very Rare magic item costs 10.000-50.000 gold, the cauldron can pay for itself in under two years. Even if the math is way off for some reason, it is still crazy strong.
Honestly, this should be an artifact. Or at least have some heavy downside. The idea that someone over at Wizards of the Coast read this and said "Ah yes, 10gp resurrection, perfectly fine" simply boggles the mind.
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Crystalline Chronicle
Speaking of items that make things cheap, 1d3 times a day this spellbook allows you to cast a wizard spell without material components of up to 100gp.
That means two spells on average, so let's take a look at a few good options: Continual Flame[7], Magic Circle (exactly 100!), Stoneskin (100!), Teleportation Circle and Astral Projection.
The ones that stand out here are Continual Flame and Teleportation Circle. Both cost 50 and have a huge demand in the world. Where a permanent TP circle would normally consume 18.250gp worth of materials over a year, it will now cost nothing[8].

Legendary

Staff of the Magi
This is, i think, the most powerful item in the game.
Has a bunch of charges, yadda yadda, here's the important part:

1. When someone else casts a spell on you, you can use a reaction to absorb the spell. The staff then gains charges equal to the level of the spell it just ate.
   
2. It can cast Plane Shift for 7 charges.
   

This means on an average day you get 16 charges, or two Plane Shifts, from the natural charge generation. But what if you could have someone cast spells on you without spending spell slots?
There are several monsters who can cast spells at will, too many to list. But there are also a few ways for players to do it. The first that comes to mind is the level 18 Wizard feature Spell Mastery, allowing any 2nd level spell. There's also the level 15 invocation Shroud of Shadow that allows infinite casts of Invisibility. Either case allows a duo to have infinite Plane Shifts a day, which is really powerful.
As usual, trade comes to mind. But with infinite charges you might as well start a tourism agency or a hotel and/or casino that brings in people from all planes. Yet what few people realize is that Plane Shift can be used offensively in order to permanently banish anyone to any plane. Infinite save-or-die effects.
You could also just settle for a fuckton of Shifts instead of infinite, and use a warlock or four-elements monk to convert their short rest resources into charges for the staff.
Now think of the possibilities and plot hooks. Mad king banishing dissidents, Red Queen style. Alternative death sentence. A high level wizard/warlock stranded somewhere because the guy who was attuned to the staff died or got separated from him. Random archdemon bringing an army to the Material Plane a couple demons a minute.

Notable mentions

These are items i left out, but which i will get yelled at in the comments if i "forget" about them.
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Anything that creates energy
The truth is that a lot of magic items can do that. Fire for heating things, wind or water for pushing things, etc. For an energy source to be noteworthy it has to provide a considerable amount of continuous energy, without charges or daily limitations. Otherwise you might as well just use a regular water mill or a bull.
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Alchemy Jug (uncommon)
It creates an amount of a liquid (beer, honey, etc) every day. It does nothing that cannot be done by an amount of workers, and for it to be world-altering we'd have to go into a lengthy math argument of how many labor hours of a bee farmer are needed to make a gallon of honey, and how that compares to the initial investment of hiring a wizard to make the item.
As a general rule, if something can be done mundanely it will be done mundanely. Let the casters focus on stuff where they have an infinite comparative advantage, like flying stuff, teleportation, resurrection, etc.
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Cap of Water Breathing (uncommon)
It allows you to breathe underwater indefinitely. Can be great if you have important stuff to do underwater, and might enable interaction with sentient water folk. But in and of itself, not a world-altering item.
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Horseshoes of Speed (rare)
Essentially +30 speed for hooved creatures, without requiring attunement. Honestly this item does not really fit this list, but i just thought the idea of pegasi flying real fast with these was worth mentioning. Sure a helm of teleportation outclasses it entirely for travel, but that's not useful in combat.
And i really want to play a centaur monk with these some day. Unfortunately the item description specifically says you have to have four equipped to benefit, so don't even think about it you satyrs and tieflings out there.
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Lyre of Building (rare)
At a glance this looks like a regular magic items, with nothing too weird about it. Until you look at its spell selection and notice you can cast them as an action.
Mending normally takes a minute to cast, with the lyre its an action, and you can do it at will even without knowing the spell.
Fabricate takes ten minutes to cast, with the lyre its an action. That means once a day you can turn the ground under an enemy into a spiky cage, his sword into sword parts, etc. Until the lyre came about the only way to instantly cast fabricate was with a Wish, and that is a pretty good combat use of the 9th level spell.

Conclusion

To be quite frank, a lot of these item uses are a little niche and wont work in every setting. Then again, that that is never the goal with these posts. I hope i have provided you with at least a few interesting plot hooks and other crazy ideas, whether to amaze your players or ruin your DM's plans.

Notes

[1] There is a notable exception however. If your kingdom has a group dedicated to fighting monsters, some of which are resistant to nonmagic damage, then those guys should be prioritized. Not only does the +1 weapon double their damage output in this scenario, it also prevents your kingdom from losing special soldiers that are very expensive to train and replace.
[2] Stuff like constant abuse of Decanters of Endless Water are why in my setting there is a doomsayer cult that believes the world will be flooded some day. As they say it, every time someone activates a decanter, magically creates water, creates food and water, opens a portal to the Plane of Water, etc; the amount of water in the world rises just a bit. Given enough time, everything will be flooded by it. Unless someone like, puts a Sphere of Annihilation by the shore or something. But nobody said the cult has to be right.
[3] The bag has 3d4 beans. Each bean has a 10% chance of spawning 1d4+3 eggs. That means 7.5*0.1*5.5 = 4.125 raised stats, on average. Sure I'm assuming you'll pass the DC20 save every time, but with proper preparation its quite doable. Be near a paladin, get bardicly inspired, have someone cast Resistance, find ways to reroll a failed save, etc. Since the eggs last forever, you have all the time in the world to stack the saving throw in your favor. Or just use Portents.
[4] The mummy lord could have anything, even another bag of beans!
[5] Someone will say "but what about the chance of going off target? What if nobody has teleportation circles?" To that person i say: associated object. Get a pebble every time you're in a region, and you wont need a circle. Buy a bit of silk and you can teleport to any place along the silk road. Buy a used horseshoe and you can go all over the country. Now I'm just imagining this badass-looking special-ops soldier, clad in the finest plate, wielding a blazing blade, his cloak cackling thunder... and with a rusty-ass horseshoe tied to his helmet.
[6] And thus is born the legend of Swolomon the Buff. He was once a base vampire, who got stuck in a tomb for 4000 years with nothing but a Manual of Bodily Health and a Manual of Gainly Exercise. Now he's... selling supplements or something.
[7] See On Spells and Society linked at the top for why there's a near infinite demand for Continual Flame.
[8] You can even make two circles at a time, but there's some math about it. You have 3 charges, use 2, so you should always be with one to spare. Until you roll a 1 on the d3, and then its gone. After that whenever you roll a 1 without first rolling a 3 you'll have to pay the 50gp or let the circle go to waste. In other words, you'd be paying roughly 1/6 of the regular cost.